Usually these things build up over time and abusive relationships (even if not intentionally abusive even if the partner really does have anxiety or whatever and is not TRYING to be controlling!) On another note, with the amount of cameras in Vegas, kidnapping or any other untoward act would be fairly difficult if youre staying in populated areas. My mom is convinced that as soon as the sun goes down, everyone is a drunk driver. Its just boring to us because we arent into flashy lights and gambling. Itd be easy for the husband to dismiss the wifes concerns as Well SHE wants to cheat. Also it can help having an objective outsider there. It could partly explain his reaction. BTW- my husband didnt blink an eye when I told him I was going to Vegas for a whole week with a male co-worker. You could likely even say to a bystander, hey something is weird here, and they would help you. I only wanted to get someplace, anyplace, without slot machines. The lack of trust here is pretty disturbing, as are his over-the-top fears. Flying might be easier. Plan some quiet time or independent activities if you're getting frustrated. Him: I ignored it. If you think a situation sounds abusive, please dont recommend couples therapy. Ive been to Vegas many, many times. I suspect that insecurity over her being the primary breadwinner has a lot to do with it (deeply ingrained social conceptions are still a thing). On the one hand, youd have to be very clear that hed be on his own while youre in all those meetings/conferences/etc and that you cant spend that time with him but, on the other hand, it may be worthwhile to relieve his stress and anxiety. Another option is to share infowhen you get there take a picture of where you are stayingshow the agenda, let him know what you are doing, check in at the end of the night. The big difference is that OPs husband cant keep an eye on her when shes in Vegas. Until I heard the week after that everyone was kept so busy that they really didnt have time or energy to do any of the fun stuff. And dirt cheap which I am guessing is why so many business conferences are set at that location. Nothing magical about Vegas. My dad goes around the world: Spain, Taiwan, Japan and he spends it all on a commercial ship fixing the radar, sonar, ormcomputer. Out of curiosity do you know what the statistics in your area for domestic violence? Oh dear. OP take care of you first. One of my favorite Dan Savage letters was about whether they were broken up (his former girlfriends opinion) or not broken up (his preference, because it would mean he had to start dating again and who wants that bother?). Answer (1 of 74): I can explain this with a story, which is below, but basically - you can't change someone else. Hes worried the worst would happen: I cheat, someone spikes my drink, someone kidnaps me He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. +1 I think this is good advice! Especially if as I suspect he doesnt have a position or isnt in a field where corporate retreats and meetings are a thing. Its a lot different than when I first went in 1989, but even then it was quite suitable (ideal, actually) for a business conference. If my partner acted like he thought he got a vote on whether I was allowed to do things, especially things relating to my career, Id laugh him out of the relationship so fast hed get whiplash. Vegas does business trips right. I would hate to see that whatever reassurances/checking in could have a negative impact on how you are perceived in your office. Im a husband sometimes prone to irrational fears about if my wife is okay. He was worried about me, because I was over worked and only had about 4 hours of sleep per night. Its a lot less horrendous than deglove, whats the issue? The whole letting her go thing could be controlling or abusive, but it could also refer less to physical ability to go there and more not letting her go in peace, or without a bunch of needy whining adult tantrums. OMG! I also worry about my spouse traveling without me. Yes, this. Holy smokes. We can take care of ourselves. My professional association alternates years between Vegas and Disney for its annual conference because those two places are both great for massive groups of people at a reasonable price. So yeah somethings just not right. Its just such a common conference/trade show city! There are several important issues to consider, however, when deciding if your husband should go on vacation with you. We are driving 18 hours to get to my family reunion with our 2 year old and 3 month old (at the time). The trip should take about 2 and a half hours, but it took about 3 and a half because we had to stop so I could feed my daughter and change her. His income was mostly for his own frivolous purchases, my job paid the rent and most of the utilities (he paid his own phone bill and bitched about it nonstop). Furthermore, Vegas ALSO markets itself as a family vacation and business conference destination. I went two hours to the next town over for a Christmas party, and he spent days before hand stressing about everything that could go wrong on the highway. Originally Published: Dec. 27, 2015. Yeah, my parents clearly decided that it was a great place to take the kids nearly 20 years ago, and it was. Your husband also seems really unduly anxious about Las Vegas. Its like I encouraged a learned behavior. Clearly it was a biased survey either way, but Im just very curious :P. I can totally see it being true assuming his friends were not also her friends and therefore only ever got his side of the story on anything, so of course they believe him and think shes in the wrong. He can be kind of inflexible about certain things so the fact that this is 180 degrees from where it was should give you hope. I really hope he is able to get help and you are both able to get to a better way of engaging with each other on this. One day was outside. Yeah, like MakeThings Im picturing a lot of Mmmmm. I think this is a little parochial, in fact. If the question was my husband is forbidding it because of emergency X then we still have the same issue. by Alison Green on September 27, 2017. If all else fails OP can blame in on an alien abduction. To me, that means childish. If hes of the mind that the husband should be the breadwinner then it sounds like insecurity about his own career. At that point, the OP has some really solid information far more useful and on point than anything that the internet commentariate can provide her. Why do you feel this way?. Depending on your husband's interests and how often you plan to visit the parks, there may be a pass that suits his needs. :). Perhaps its Vegass advertising being really effective with him, or perhaps its something larger. Just dont pack up and leave while theyre out of town and not even leave a note. He loves listening to me talk about my trips and my hobbies and adventures, and I love hearing him talk about how he spends hours painting toy soldiers. He is ambitious & caring.His insecurities have gotten the best of him in this situation. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation I deal with those worries by making sure he has the tools he needs to accommodate those shortcomings, not by hobbling his life. My in-laws (who I no longer speak to) freaked out when my wife and I got our current apartment because they found out it was across the street from the best Mexican restaurant in our city. I was just coming here to ask if she asked him to Turn his key!. OP, I have a few questions: do you travel overnight to other places for your work? Couples counselling isnt about sharing blame as it is figuring out problems in the relationship and working together to find solutions. Its OK to not be 100% available to handle his feelings 100% of the time! He doesnt have friends. Oh man, the broken-glass-on-the-kitchen-floor-for-a-month dude! Here is the problem with appeasing people like OPs husband, whether they are being abusive or just needlessly anxious: they come to expect appeasement. I still tease her about it. By letting him come chaperone her once I worry that now hell believe this is reasonable and that he should chaperone all future work travel then all interactions with work colleagues, with single men, etc. But its a pretty serious one-off. Yes!! All the more reason to get out and build a life with someone who is your partner and not a leach who wants to cripple your independence and your career. The main drag did not feel dangerous to me at all. Then everyone is sober. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationguinness irish stew slow cooker. And the entertainment options are essentially endless. But leave out the reasons, the excuses, the justifications and the emotions, as far as you can. Go on the trip. Agree counseling would be a good place to start. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationcynon valley history. This is always my response to people and they always get mad at me for saying it. Thats not how this works!! I read books. I didnt sign up for this. I also had this thought. he needs to straighten hisstuffout. And basic woman code of policing your drink would negate that fear. Turned out my wife was in the backyard mowing but had taken a break before I drove up and my son was upstairs playing quietly on the computer. Thats fine! Is something going on in your relationship that he feels like youre growing more emotionally apart, and physical distance will make him feel more alone? Vegas! Ive pretty much given up on trips for fun. In addition to bolstering his position in our argument it had the nice (for him) side effect of alienating me from all of my friends who I believed were talking crap about me behind my back. Both of us have traveled the world for pleasure and business in the 15 years. Yeah and Ill add that it makes the advice people are giving much less likely to be effective/heard/followed by the OP if people are attacking a man she presumably loves and finds reasonable outside of this situation. For heavent sake dont say it to him; dont want to give him any ideas. Do the counseling (alone or with him.) Its like the person who tried to quit, and their boss polls the other managers and then tells employee that the other managers all agree, employee does not have a good enough reason to quit. They sometimes ask if Im from some sort of obscure cult, or something. If someone says they dont want to get married, theres probably a good reason in there. Business trips are a normal fact of life in many jobs. Each year my entire family goes to the beach at the end gets a beach house where we stay for a week. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation This doesnt excuse the behavior either way, but I think could be something to specifically discuss with him in addition to the other suggestions people have here. Funnily enough, I never cheated, never had my drink spiked or got kidnapped during these excisions to sin city. It made no sense. Ment would not. I never felt less inspired to sin in my life. He may be social with neighbors and coworkers, but hes not a friendly guy. The kidnaps, cheating, etc etc that COULD happen in Vegas (with about as much chance as being struck by lightning) are all just scare tactics to convince YOU to stay home and desire his protection from the big, bad world. Or maybe its anxiety fueling a control issue, but I highly doubt that anxiety treatment will help. Besides, the OP is going to spend most of her time in a conference room that looks like every other conference room in the western world, anyway. I dont much care for Vegas. That can do a number to your head if you already had basic anxiety about the travel. Hopefully hes open to counseling/therapy, but if hes not, and he instead doubles down on not letting you travel (regardless of destination), I do think you need to consider an exit strategy. He needs to understand that what happens in their marriage is between them (and their counselors) and not random strangers, acquaintances and friends. My company had an annual meeting in Vegas a few years ago, that I wasnt important enough to attend, and I was crazy jealous. Wouldnt that bother you?. The idea of where we are in danger is terribly skewed in the US. Whether or not you go on the trip is secondary. My own brain is like that. I say go for it! Nikada / iStock. Is she free to travel then? Honestly, Vegas is what you make it, and its different things for different people. Tell him to get over himself. It comes across as so controlling. Boundaries we a serious convo. Also, thanks to Zappos, downtown is being rejuvenated as an artsy community of sorts, with galleries, boutiques and yes hipstery eateries. Send a good morning text, a been busy all day, just breaking for lunch text, and a goodnight call each day. Make sure that appointment is booked. I think that theres value in saying, this could be going on, and it might be something to watch out for, but definitive statements that range far, far beyond whats in the letter are really problematic, both because they can end up being irrelevant and because they can make the OP dismiss the rest of the input being offered, because the read on that particular aspect the situation is incorrect. But Im not at all confident this is the source of the husbands issues :(. My take is that the uptick is in reporting and discussion, not the behavior itself. Maybe this has been mentioned already (I started skimming when all the comments were the same OUTRAGE) but, would it be possible for your husband to come with you on this trip? That was my thinking toohow much did he lead them into getting the exact answer he wanted? Yall need some marriage counseling. Ive also gone on holiday with my mum and my grandmother for a week or two at a time. Its you both versus these scenarios hes building, not you versus him and his mindset. You go on trips, no one lets you go. Which update is that? It is easy to go to Las Vegas and behave responsibly. She would step into the hallway during the conference and ask what he wanted, and he would say he wanted to make sure she was where she was supposed to be. Autor de l'entrada Per ; Data de l'entrada columbia university civil engineering curriculum; hootan show biography . And he wouldnt like it either, wed be heading down to the pool and see people going to conferences and feel sorry for them that they had to spend the day inside while we sat in the sun with a mojito.
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